Let's Laugh!

 

 

HA HA HA HA...HEHEHEHE.........HA HA HA HA...........HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE...OH MY.....HAHAHA......OH MY BELLY.......hahahahahahahahahaha...OOOHHHH...SO FUNNY!

 

 

IT'S TIME TO LAUGH! There are many STUDIES on laughing relieving stress. That's not the only way, but it helps to laugh, love and be merry! PLEASE, MATURE ADULTS ONLY, AS SOME OF THESE MAY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE. OUR PURPOSE IS TO LAUGH AT LIFE, NOT OFFEND PEOPLE! Enjoy! AS  THOUSANDS OF YOU HAVE COME TO OUR SEMINARS, YOU KNOW we love humor....and so do our attendees. Yipee!

 

Senioritis...

 

1.  Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

 

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2.  A Pirate's Life For Me...

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

 

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman, "What about the hook?"

 

"Well...," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well...," said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

 

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3.  Way To Go, Einstein...

 

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another "rubber-chicken dinner," Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

 

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

 

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:

 

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

 

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4.  New Office Policy

 

SICK DAYS:

 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

SURGERY:

 
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

 

PERSONAL DAYS:

 
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 

VACATION DAYS:

 
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

 
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

 

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

 
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

 

RESTROOM USE:

 
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet will flush with you on it, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open, and a key manager will be there to ask you many questions.

 

LUNCH BREAK:

 
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy and normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

 

DRESS CODE:

 
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. There will be no mini-skirts allowed. When you have to powder four cheeks before you come to work in the morning, you are not appropriately dressed for work!

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or positive input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

 

The New Management Team

 

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5.  VIAGRA

 

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails','highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: 'MOUNT & DO'.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do
with them.

 

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6.  I USE TO EAT LIGHTBULBS IN A CIRCUS SHOW. THAT'S NOT THE DANGEROUS PART. THAT COMES TWO DAYS LATER!

 

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7.  Blonde Law and Order...

 

The local sheriff in a small suburban town was looking for a deputy. He posted ads in the paper, and sure enough, Lisa, a wonderful looking blonde, went in to try out for the job. She wasn't the sharpest nail in the bucket, but seeing as she had a natural charisma about her, the sheriff gave her an interview...

 

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Lisa, what is 1 and 1?"

"11!" she enthusiastically replied.

 

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right in a way..."

 

"Okay, Lisa. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Shucks, that's easy," the blonde replied. "Today and tomorrow!"

The sheriff was again surprised that Lisa supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

 

He thought of his next question carefully to make sure there could be no equivocation about the answer.

 

"Now Lisa, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Lisa looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

 

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while," the sheriff replied with satisfaction.

 

So, Lisa wandered over to the salon where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

"How'd it go?" they all asked.

 

Lisa was ecstatic. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

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8.  Taxicab Confessions...

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, when the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

 

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

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9.  TIP OF THE WEEK:   "Don't eat yellow snow!"

 

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10.  "Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

 


-Phyllis Diller

 

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11.  Sperm Count

 

An 85-year-old man in Florida was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

 

The next day Dom reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help. Silvia tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

We even called up the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.

 

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?

Dom replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open!

 

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12.  Getting Old

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering

things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

 

His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

she asks. "No, I can remember it."

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it

down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so

you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember

it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -

I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he goes off to the kitchen.

 

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and

hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

 

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 13.  Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A

few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a

gorgeous young woman on his arm.

 

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're

really doing great, aren't you?

 

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and

Be cheerful.

 

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart

murmur. Be careful.'"

 

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14.  A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled

himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his

breath, he ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"Thank God, no," he sighs, "just arthritis."

 

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15.  Nana's Nursing Home...

 

A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

 

The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

 

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

 

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

 

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

 

"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied.

"Except they won't let me fart."

 

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16.  An elderly gentleman.....

 

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 percent.

 


The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'


The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times in the last month!

 

 

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17.  A man retired from the Military, and in a month he was bored stiff, and kept thinking it was time to die. He kept saying he was going to die over and over. After hearing this day after day, his wife decided that he needs to go to the doctors and see what is going on.

 

The doctor examined and talked with him for about an hour. He told the man to get dressed while he talks with his wife and lets her know what is going on, and how she can help. The doctor calls the wife into his office and says that "he is a lonely and bored man, but there is a solution!" You will be the main solution to the problem. "What is it?" the wife asked with curiousity.

 

"Every day, when you get up, fix his favorite breakfast. In the afternoon, make him take a nap, and put on your sexiest nightgown and curl up close to him and nap together. Just before dinner, ask him to go for a walk with you, grab his hand and act like you are both twenty years old again. At night, ask him what he would like to do with you before falling asleep. Then give him an hour massage all over his body with a nice warm oil three times a week. Give sex to him every night without fail. Then kiss him passionately before he falls asleep. You will notice a huge difference in his life. He won't be complaining anymore that he is "going to die" and now has much to live for."

 

The couple met back in the lobby, and got into their car, and while driving home, he asked her..."what did the doctor say to you dear?"

 

She paused a moment still in shock and said "YOU'RE GONNA DIE. YES. The doctor said "YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

 

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18.  A little old lady in the senior ward was sitting up in her bed when a nurse came in and saw that she had the suppository the nurse gave her an hour ago , in her left ear. Surprised, she asked Ethel; "Ethel, why do you have that suppository behind your ear?" She thought a moment, and with an enlightening look on her face replied"Now I know where I put my hearing aid!" 

 

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19.  I use to date a homeless girl. It was great. After the date you could drop her off anywhere!

 

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20. Three men, one German, one Japaneese and one American hillbilly sat in the sauna in their hotel. Sudenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped.

 

The other two men looked at him questionably. He said "that was my pager. I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

 

A few minutes later, a phone rang and the Japaneese man lifted up the palm of his hand to his ear and talked to his hand!!! The other two men were shocked. He said "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." 

 

The American hillbilly felt very low tech at this moment. But not to be outdone, he went to the restroom. A few minutes later he returned to the sauna with a stream of toilet paper hanging from his bathing suit in the back. Surprised, the German and Japaneese looked shocked. The hillbilly saw their expressions and said "I'm receiving a fax!"

 

The good old American spirit will not be outdone!

 

 

 

 Life is short, as they say. Love...laugh, and care about people!

 

 

PRO-DOC SOLUTIONS,

From: THE Joke Department